On the Spring Radar…

Congratulations to Sean Baker on his big night at the Oscars! I have to admit, as much as I mostly like him as a filmmaker, it feels a little weird seeing someone win four Academy Awards for a single movie. I just don’t think that many trophies should be showered on just one person for one film in one night; that seems antithetical to how we recognize cinema as a collective effort. But no matter, Anora is a fine addition to the Best Picture club (certainly worthier than the likes of CODA or Green Book, that’s for damned sure).

Also, congratulations to Paul Tazewell on making history as the first black man to win the Best Costume Design Oscar (by far the most impressive element of Wicked, in my opinion), to Basel Adra and Hamdan Allal on becoming the first Palestinian Academy Award winners thanks to No Other Land winning Best Documentary Feature (please contribute to aid and rebuilding efforts if you can), and to Flow on becoming the first Latvian, independent, and dialogue-free winner of the Best Animated Feature Oscar. And hey, congratulations to Kieran Culkin and Zoe Saldaña for winning “Supporting” Actor/Actress Oscars for leading roles. Because screw genuine supporting performers excelling in small roles, amirite? We only care about showering trophies on big stars in parts that put them front-and-center!

So, now that the Oscars are over, what can we look forward to as spring approaches?

SNOW WHITE – In Theaters March 21

Directed by Marc Webb

Starring Rachel Zegler, with Andrew Burnap and Gal Gadot

What is it about? One of the most cynical and rapacious companies in the history of the entertainment industry has now pulled the trigger on desecrating their first-ever animated feature film.

How am I feelin’ about this one? This is going to be a more difficult film to cover than past Disney live-action reskins. Like all the others Disney has cranked out, I find the very existence of this movie an affront to art itself, but my disgust at the upcoming release of Snow White is complicated by the fact that its star, Rachel Zegler, has been caught up in an algorithmically-generated manosphere “controversy.”

If you’re one of those people, if you despise this woman because of what you’ve read on X and what you’ve seen on YouTube, I want to be clear about something – you’re a mark. A rube. A useful idiot for cynical reactionary influencers who trade in leveraged misogyny like it’s the newest crypto pump-and-dump scheme. You’re no different than the people who decided Blake Lively is evil because a high-priced public relations firm said so or those toxic Star Wars fanboys who decided to focus their ire over The Last Jedi on one Asian actress.

If you think the production of this movie is a profound act of disrespect towards an all-time classic of cinema, you’re right, but the blame for that lies in what I’ve been talking about on this site for literally years, now: the monopolization of Hollywood studio filmmaking, the late-stage capitalist excesses of modern entertainment, and churning every single beloved story and character through the franchise nostalgia meat grinder. The people who shuffle around nervously when those are brought up, but are eager to say the artistic bankruptcy of this movie is all the fault of a Latina woman who “got a little too PC” on the press junket, are bigoted cowards. If Zegler wasn’t cast in the movie, Disney would have found some other Latina ingenue to throw under the bus to avoid scrutiny for continuing to undermine their library of classics. And she would have made some other inelegant comment repackaged and presented dishonestly by outrage clickbait peddlers to enrage the dudebros of the internet to a degree that would barely be a blip on the news cycle of a man said it. Stop dancing every time they play the same old music and wake up.

Besides, if you are so upset by the existence of a “woke” nonwhite Snow White, you can just watch The Daily Wire’s “non-woke” remake of the movie starring that one influencer on their payroll who looks eerily similar to Ben Shapiro. I’m sure that’ll be a great time at the movies.

A MINECRAFT MOVIE – In Theaters April 4

Directed by Jared Hess

Starring Jason Momoa, with Emma Myers and Danielle Brooks

What is it about? Four misfits are suddenly pulled through a mysterious portal into the Minecraft universe, where they will have to master its mechanics and embark on a quest with a master builder to return home.

How am I feelin’ about this one? Let’s be honest, here: this was an inevitability. Minecraft is second only to Tetris as the best-selling video game of all time. This is the kind of game your aging Boomer parents have heard of. An IP that reaches such a level of cultural ubiquity is destined for a feature film adaptation. Even if it takes over a decade to actually come to fruition.

Before Jared Hess was finally attached to completed project, this thing churned through Shawn Levy, Rob McElhenney, and Peter Sollett as directors, as well as a small army of screenwriters who all tried their hand at a script before departing themselves. And can you really blame them? This is an open-world sandbox game with a diehard fanbase, leaving anyone trying to adapt it into a movie dealing with a lack of narrative threads to latch onto while also being hamstrung by a strange, insular mythology and “callbacks” the fans are expecting. But apparently, the Napoleon Dynamite team saw this as more of an opportunity than a challenge.

The story they came up with is one of those “regular schmoes get teleported to an alternate dimension”-type setups, which was more common in the 80s and 90s than 21^st century blockbuster entertainment since most audiences these days don’t have a need for a fish-of-out-of-water character who needs the mechanics of a particular IP explained to them. I have a feeling the decision to bring back that trope in this situation will prove to be a wise judgment call.

I cannot really say for sure if I think this is going to “do justice” to Minecraft, since I’ve never actually played the game at all. Beyond a few YouTube videos about some of its strange secrets and implications, I am not remotely familiar with it. I’m not sure if this will make me a more ideal potential audience for this movie since I will be heading in without preconceived expectations or – as was the case with Five Nights at Freddy’s – completely lost on all the non sequiturs and subplots that will go right over my head. I literally didn’t even know that Jack Black was playing a canonical character from the games until this month when I was doing research for this article.

SINNERS – In Theaters April 18

Directed by Ryan Coogler

Starring Michael B. Jordan, with Hailee Steinfeld and Delroy Lindo

What is it about? Twin brothers return to their hometown to start again, only to discover that an even greater evil is waiting to welcome them back.

How am I feelin’ about this one? Remember when I wrote about the development hell experienced by the attempt to reboot Blade into the Marvel Cinematic Universe? One of the major points I wanted to convey in that piece was laying out what happens when a popular and seemingly bulletproof idea becomes gristle for the established IP mill. And what do you know – one of Marvel’s hottest directorial stars is about to show us all what happens when a cool vampire-themed thriller boasting afro-centric cultural influences isn’t yoked to franchise limitations. This was conceived as a wholly original concept that was kept secret and attracted the attention of both Universal and Warner Bros. (Warner Bros. won out).

That’s really all there is to it, besides the release date switcheroo with Mickey 17 to allow for an extended post-production period accounting for this movie’s principal photography being shot on film and IMAX 70mm. Oh, and also the director of photography for this project is Autumn Arkapaw, who’s married to fellow cinematographer Adam Arkapaw! Pretty cool.

In fact, “pretty cool” is how I would describe my overall sense of Sinners. The trailer alone promises something scary, stylish, sexy, and with a precise grasp of a culture and heritage of the American South. Michael B. Jordan is reteaming with Ryan Coogler, and since this pairing is responsible for the best performances of his career so far, I’m looking forward to yet another display of Jordan’s considerable star power, only this time in a dual role.

Will this be an Oscar contender? Who knows? And honestly, who cares? It’s about time we finally got some original supernatural thrillers for grownups that don’t require a flowchart of franchise story threads to comprehend.

UNTIL DAWN – In Theaters April 25

Directed by David F. Sandberg

Starring Ella Rubin, with Ji-young Yoo and Belmont Cameli

What is it about? One year after her sister Melanie mysteriously disappeared, Clover and her friends head into the remote valley where she vanished in search of answers.

How am I feelin’ about this one? Wow, another movie adapted from a video game? Actually, this one seems more… cut out for a cinematic treatment than Minecraft. For those of you who may not be familiar with it, Until Dawn is a plot-driven, choose-your-own-adventure type of game that presents you with a number of choices throughout its linear story mode deciding the fates of the game’s young horny protagonists as they’re terrorized by a mysterious masked stalker and, later, ferocious wendigos. The game’s replay value lies in its presentation of several different endings, where your main characters can all survive by sunrise or all be dead by the time the credits roll. The developer, Supermassive Games, have cornered the market on interactive horror adventure games in the same mold in the decade since Until Dawn’s release, but none of them captured the same level of popularity as their breakout hit.

So it makes perfect sense for writers Blair Butler and Gary Dauberman to just do a straightforward adaptation of the game’s basic storyline with… wait, what’s that? They went in a completely different direction and are literally building their story around the game’s mechanics into a kind of Groundhog Day-esque setup? Huh. I mean… okay. I’m all for surprising people, and I applaud any adaptations that don’t just run through the same plot beats solely to appease fans. But then again, I’m not sure if inviting comparisons to Happy Death Day is going to do this movie any favors.

Another thing about this film that isn’t necessarily “bad,” but just kind of odd, is that it boasts possibly the least star-studded cast of any of these kinds of titles published by Supermassive Games. The Until Dawn game starred Rami Malek (who was not yet an Academy Award-winning actor but was making his mark on television with Mr. Robot when the game was released) and television superstar Hayden Panettiere. The only returning cast member from the games is Peter Stormare. I mean no disrespect towards Michael Cimino (no, not that one) or Odessa A’zion, but I think it’s worth noting how such a situation would have been unthinkable when I was growing up. The rare video games with movie stars providing their voice and likeness usually had the game built around their public persona. Movie adaptations of video games were the ones with the stars attached, not the other way around. Ah, the times, they are a’ changin’…

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – THE FINAL RECKONING – In Theaters May 23

Directed by Christopher McQuarrie

Starring Tom Cruise, with Ving Rhames and not My Favorite Character In The Entire Series

What is it about? Ethan Hunt undertakes his… final mission? Maybe? I mean, he has to hang it up at some point, right?

How am I feelin’ about this one? This is Ian McKellen in a still image of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring:

He was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his performance as the wise old wizard Gandalf the Grey. I want you to sit down for this:

Tom Cruise is now the same age as Ian McKellen was in 2001. 62 years-old. That is the age of Tom Cruise in this trailer, where he is still sprinting at full speed and hanging off of planes and doing full-contact fight scenes:

Pretty freaky, right?

THE LIFE OF CHUCK – In Theaters June 6

Directed by Mike Flanagan

Starring Tom Hiddleston, with Karen Gillan and Chiwetel Ejiofor

What is it about? Three chapters in the life of an ordinary man named Charles Krantz.

How am I feelin’ about this one? This took an unusually long time to make it to theaters. One would think a movie that won the People’s Choice Award at the Toronto International Film Festival would be fast-tracked to wide release and a robust awards campaign. To give you a sense of just how weird The Life of Chuck’s release schedule and marketing has been, relative to past TIFF People’s Choice Award winners, American Fiction, The Fabelmans, Belfast, Jojo Rabbit, Green Book, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, La La Land, Room, and The Imitation Game all got snatched up by major distributors for Quarter 4 release dates the same year they won this prize. The only one from the last ten years that was delayed to the year after its TIFF run was Nomadland, and that was because of the whole world-shattering pandemic that seemingly turned half the country into raving lunatics. And it’s not like NEON is bad at marketing their awards contenders.

So why the long wait? Why sit on this seemingly surefire hit crowdpleaser for nearly a full year? I have no idea. I cannot find any grumblings of a “wait, this actually blows” online backlash, or behind-the-scenes turmoil, or anything to indicate this movie will be anything other than a broadly popular movie. If this is anything like previous TIFF People’s Choice Award winners, this absolutely has to be in the conversation for all the major Academy Awards, which should come as welcome prognostication if you’re a fan of Mike Flanagan and/or Tom Hiddleston.

This will also be a major release to keep an eye on if you are a fan of prolific author Stephen King, since this is adapted from one of his novellas. An iconic popular author having his story about the accumulated effects of a quietly full life hitting big with audiences has undeniable parallels to not only the author himself as he approaches his octogenarian years, but also with his legion of fans who have collectively declared an adaptation of a similar story of his about how long, sustained efforts from a seemingly unassuming man can lead to quietly extraordinary outcomes as one of the greatest movies ever made.

So what do you think, readers? Is The Life of Chuck destined to be a classic? Does Tom Cruise have mutant superpowers? Will we ever be rid of these monstrous live-action remakes of beloved Disney movies? Let us know in the comments.